December 2004
Dealing with loss
Dear Andrea,
I have recently lost my mother and I just seem so lost without her. She was my strength and my best friend. My job and family life are fine, but I feel myself shutting off and just day dreaming of what was. My friends and colleagues are all seeing a change in me and I really don’t mean to be distant or unresponsive. I’m just finding it so hard to stay on top of things right now. My mother past away 3 months already but I’m still not able to let go and get on with my life like I was before. Can you please offer any suggestions for me as to how I can accept my Mother’s passing and learn to enjoy life again. I just need something to help me shift my thoughts so that I can give my attention to those that need it now.
Andrea shares,
I am sorry to hear about the passing of your Mother. This is a difficult time. A time we know may come, but one which is hard to come to terms with when our loss actually happens. It’s also great that you had such wonderful and memorable times with her. If I may suggest that you think of those times in a way that makes you feel very grateful and lucky for having. Many do not. Think of these as being positive. When you think of your Mother put a big smile on your face. Even think that you are talking to her spirit. Share with her your life and that you hope she is watching over you and guiding you still. Allow yourself to enjoy all of these thoughts. It’s also OK to feel sad at times. Think of things that your Mother always loved about you and what she hoped for you. Share how well you are doing. Do something that you really enjoy doing but maybe have been putting off. Say you are doing it for your Mother. This could be a hobby. This could be taking a trip. One very important sharing here also is give yourself time. Keep doing things that make you feel worthwhile and useful. When you have a hard day, acknowledge it and say to yourself that you know it will pass. A deep loss like this is hard. Call on your friends and colleagues. They will be there for you if you let them. Before you know it, you will be feeling better and have your Mother’s memories that you will cherish and always smile at.
My husband is shutting me out
Dear Andrea,
I have been married for 12 years. I have a beautiful daughter 10 years of age. In the last few years, my marriage has become intolerable. My husband won’t communicate about anything. He stays out at night and only comes home very late. I did get him to go to marriage counseling for awhile and things were fine in the session, but he wouldn’t do anything at home that the counselor suggested. I even went to a lawyer to see about separating but I’m afraid we don’t have enough money to have separate homes. He just won’t talk about anything. He doesn’t want to divorce me. On the other hand he won’t talk to me if I say I am so unhappy. I don’t know what to do next. I don’t know who to speak to. I’m simply so lost, isolated and he doesn’t give me any money. What can I do? Please help me as I feel I’m losing the plot.
Andrea shares,
Thank you for sharing your story here. If I’m understanding you correctly, it sounds like this unhappiness has been around for a few years. I also feel that you have tried a few ways to make things better but it’s not working. You haven’t mentioned here whether you have a job or not. Although you do say that your husband doesn’t give you any money. This can limit your flexibility somewhat. First of all, if I may, your husband needs to take your feelings seriously. So far he hasn’t had to because you have not made any serious moves or given any ultimatums. If you could find a way to separate, then I feel he would take you seriously and maybe being apart from the situation, he may think about talking more. Could you possibly look at staying at family, friends to begin with? I really feel that unless you take some serious action, things will not change. In fact, they will probably escalate in the negative. May I also say that you have a daughter to consider. Even if you think you are protecting her during this time, she knows and feels the vibes in your home and in your heart. She will be affected by them. If not now, definitely in the future with her own relationships. I’m sure you want what’s best for her. To do that, you must take matters into your own hands. Sometimes if our partner does not want to co-operate, then we have to become the decision makers for our own lives. You have a right to a happy life. Your daughter has a right to a happy harmonious life. Make a decision for yourself that you don’t want to live like this anymore. Once you do that, options and choices will follow. I commend you on wanting to make your marriage work, but maybe it’s time to ask if you really can. I am very happy to talk with you further about this and help you, if you contact me. Look forward to hearing from you soon.
I think she’s having an affair
Dear Andrea,
I think my wife is having an affair. I am totally beside myself. Last week a situation happened that I received a sign that all was not right. I tried to speak with her but there was a resistance to the point that she made me feel like I was the guilty party for even thinking such a thing. The problem is, that for me, it’s very obvious. We have been together for 7 years now. Yes, we have had ups and downs. But who hasn’t? We don’t have any children. We both work and lead busy lives, but we also spend a lot of time together. I thought we had good times. In fact just before this incident, we were on holiday together having a great time. What can I do if she won’t open up and tell me the truth? I can’t stand this feeling of being suspicious because everything that happens now I am questioning. I want to keep my wife. I want to keep my marriage. Please say something to me that I can do to make things better?
Andrea shares,
I can hear the distress in your words and I can read your discomfort in wanting to know what you can do. You mentioned that you had a sign that gave you the feeling your wife is having an affair. You didn’t mention if you actually have very clear and evident facts to back it up. I say this to you because you must be 100% sure that this is what is going on. Some times our minds and heart can play tricks on us if we are a little bit insecure. That said, often our intuition about something is right and we must follow that. If you don’t have any clear facts and your wife insists to be in denial, then I’m afraid that you will have to delve deeper to get your results. This may seem like a sneaky approach, but right now you don’t have any other alternative. With some discretion you may need to keep your eyes and ears open more then usual. If something is going on, other things will transpire. It could be an irregularity in her schedule. It could be a behavioural pattern that is not usually the way she shows up. Maybe you need to show up differently also so that you catch her off guard because she knows your moves well also. I feel sure that if you are diligent, persistent and patient, something will show up that denial will be impossible any longer. If for some reason she insists still on denial and you are absolutely sure, then maybe a drastic measure by you will need to appear. That could be suggesting a separation or saying that you are going away which will allow her to relax, thinking you are not around. One other possibility I can offer is a private investigator. I know this may not be comfortable, but if you really want to bring this to a point of knowing where you standàààthis will do it. I hope this helps.
Ask Andrea
andrea@soultalk.org
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