April 2004
Feeling Unappreciated at home
Dear Andrea,
I live in a very traditional Chinese family where respect for your elders is a natural way of being. My problem is that I feel that the disrespect for me has now gone beyond my acceptance level. The situation is that I was helping my father financially for the last few years. One day, when the family came together for dinner, my father complained that nobody does anything for him. I was so upset at that moment, that I blurted out the fact that I give him money every month. My father was very angry with me for sharing that and felt very embarrassed. His view was that this was very disrespectful to him. I then stopped any further financial support as I felt very hurt. I tried to go and see him to explain how I felt, but he is not willing to see me. I don’t want to have this hurt between us, but don’t know what I can do. My feelings were very hurt also, but a part of me doesn’t want to have this family disharmony either. Any suggestions please?
Andrea shares,
First let me share with you that I understand your feelings about not being acknowledged for your very giving support to your father. Culturally, I understand where you father is coming from as he felt that you shared a secret that now made him lose face in front of other family members. His not wanting to see you, is in fact the same demonstration of emotions as you displayed when you stopped further financial support. Both came from being upset and having a stubborn response that says, ôI’m rightö. My feeling here also is that you knew what the customs were in your household and that you would hurt your father’s pride. I’m sure he too now knows how he has hurt you. My sharing to you would be to keep trying to meet with your father and have a chance to talk this out. It’s quite possible you have some of your father’s character in you, which is why the whole episode happened. Therefore, take this and turn it around and make it work for you. Give back the pride your father wants and I feel quite sure, he’ll give you yours back also. Take care!
The balance of our relationship changed when we started our family
Dear Andrea,
I am a European woman who fell in love with my husband a few years ago whilst on holiday. Six months later, we got married. My husband is Chinese but studied and lived abroad for a number of years. We made Hong Kong our home where his parents live. Everything seemed fine for awhile and continued as it was from the beginning. Then our first child was born and the following year our second child was born. Things started changing. It seemed that all his traditional cultures were starting to overtake our very western type lifestyle. It’s now reached the point where I am not allowed to do anything anymore. He is restricting all my movements. Telling me how we are going to be with our children when they start school and what I can buy or not buy. I’m not receiving any money from him during the month except the bare minimal. I can’t even withdraw money without him allowing me to first. I feel like I’m in a prison and that all my feelings are being ignored. What’s happened? Why has he changed like this? Please help?
Andrea shares,
My feeling here is that there is a control and power issue present that maybe did not show up before. The fact that you were overseas at the start of your relationship and not with his family, would have made a difference also. This is not an easy situation because I feel you are finding this whole new cultural status difficult and unfair. Firstly, I would feel that you need to talk with your husband and make sure that you have communicated all your feelings. If this does not make a difference and he continues to treat you as if you don’t matter and invisible, as well as an object for him to fully control, then maybe you need to go within yourself and ask yourself what do you want. This type of person may need to wake up and realize that if your relationship is so unbalanced, that you may need to consider what other options and choices you have based on not being able to continue feeling imprisoned, isolated, unloved and totally confused as to why he has changed. Marriage counseling could help if he is willing. Or counseling for yourself to discover your other options and choices.
I’ve changed my mind about marriage
Dear Andrea,
I have recently made a decision in my life that is not working for me and I’m feeling more and more depressed with myself as time goes by. I have to get out of this, but I don’t know the best way to approach it. I agreed to marry someone, who I thought I loved, but I now know I don’t. I am feeling so stupid because my decision was made at a weak moment. I know I am going to hurt this person so much and I have no excuse at all, except that I made a huge mistake. Right after I said yes, something came over me and all of a sudden I just didn’t want to go through with it. Everything felt fine up till that point and now I’m just slowly falling apart here and I need to say something before any more time passes and before my fear gets a further hold of me.
Andrea shares,
I need to take what you are sharing with me as the truth in connection with the fact that you say, you do not love your partner anymore. If this is the case, then simply sitting down admitting your mistake and apologizing will be the way to do this. The fear you are having here is displaced. What exactly is your fear? This is what you feel and facing this fear in verbalizing your thoughts, will bring you back to the honesty you are seeking. Honesty with yourself and with your partner. You may hurt your partner in the short run, but if you were to continue then both your lives will be very unhappy. I don’t believe your partner deserves this and either do you. The most important aspect here is to acknowledge your mistake and learn from it. I will put another thought over to you before you take this stance. That is, is there any possibility that you are fearing commitment? If your relationship was good before and your realization was only after his proposal, could you be in fear of this commitment? Only you can decide this. Listen to your heart!
Ask Andrea
andrea@soultalk.org
There is no need to give your name if you don’t want to, but I will need your email address to reply.
If you have an email account that is shared with others, or can be viewed by others, why not set up your own free account at hotmail or yahoo.