May 2005
I’m a control freak!
Dear Andrea,
I am trying to learn how to control my need to control others. I know this sounds strange, but it’s really the case. I seem to have to either constantly help someone out or say what I think they should do because I worry they can’t do it on their own. Some of my friends have recently said to me that it’s like I’m telling them what to do and organizing their life for them. I feel that if I don’t step in and do all this that I’m not in harmony with myself, yet at the same time I feel that I know better then the other person and only my way is the right way. I am being really open and honest here and I so appreciate having a place I can do this anonymously and receive some honest feedback from you.
Andrea shares,
First of all, thank you very much for your honesty and openness. It certainly takes courage to want to find an answer. You also have some very dear friends that have been honest enough with you to share this. Let me share with you that wanting and needing control has many different parts to it. Mainly it’s about believing that others are not capable of making their own life work for themselves. This in fact can make someone feel inadequate. I’m sure that’s not what you are intentionally wanting to create. You are also not allowing them to learn on their own. Learning comes all of our lessons in life. Without these, we can remain stuck or always rely on others which of course is very disempowering. You may also believe that your way is always the only way and the right way. Maybe you are right, but this is not the important point here. Sometimes people may want to share something with you but don’t necessarily want to hear from you a better way. They just want you to be there as a good listener. I’m sure there are times that people will love to have your wisdom on hand. Maybe a better way to go about this is to let them ask you first. This way, you will consciously make a decision that you will only give input when you are asked. And when asked, you make sure that you are sharing, not giving advice which can come over as telling someone what they should or should not do. It sounds like you have a very caring nature and this is a great trait to have. Learning how to make it work better for you rather then against you will create even a better harmony for you. I hope this helps you.
Leaving my scars in the past
Dear Andrea,
I have some scars on my body that are visible and I often get questions about these that I donÆt know how to answer. It brings up a lot of pain for me and itÆs something I donÆt want to share with just anybody. How can I respond in a way that I feel like I am answering them but at the same time, I feel like I can keep my pain in the past where it belongs?
Andrea shares,
This is obviously a very touchy story for you and I’m sure those that ask are curious and empathetic at the same time. Let’s face it, scars are of intrigue to most and people know there is a story behind them which compels them to ask. My feeling is that you need to come up with an answer that makes you feel comfortable and shows the other person that this subject is out of bounds for further discussion. Something like; This was something that I suffered because of a disorder in my youth. Hopefully something like this or similar will alert them to an issue that you no longer wish to remember and they will then have the respect to stop there. As long as you are not answering in a hostile or aggressive manner and speak with intelligence, then I’m sure they will get the message from you. The other means is to say something that is so outrageous that this really stuns them and they take that as a message to move on. Something like; Yes, I was attacked by a gang of aliens but they failed and I got away. When shared in this state it really upsets the cart and the conversation will change mode. I hope I have given you a couple of different ways that will help you.
Ask Andrea
andrea@soultalk.org
There is no need to give your name if you don’t want to, but I will need your email address to reply.
If you have an email account that is shared with others, or can be viewed by others, why not set up your own free account at hotmail or yahoo.